*

Can I step out of my skin, and not feel anything for a while?

Or rather the opposite, be able to soak much life into me, the kind which I’m being deprived of, so I can feel everything made of bliss?

I feel like I need you way too much,

so much more than you need me

and I fucking hate that feeling.

it’s something wrong with me.

I act so well rounded yet

I’m not quite complete.

I always need someone to depend on

to save me from my own emotions.

I need to learn how to depend on myself.

words aren’t always enough and sometimes I get the foolish need to be overly adored,

then in the moments I least expect it you come around,

slyly making me think we’re going to one place, instead driving us to my beautiful coastline on the day when I don’t mention to go,

and the tiny rip of paper fitting perfectly into the crevice of my book that I left at your house, the book I direly wanted to finish.

these thoughtful little gestures made me smile and flush with the warmth my heart always gives off for you. 

Heat blossoms from deep within.

Inhaling your kisses,

Exhaling “Babe.”

Yearning for more of your touch

when all of you is already so close.

I screamed when my nightmare took over me and you woke me up and held my face as I closed my eyes to the hot tears escaping them. You held my face in your hands and kissed me and said that everything was okay. You held me against your chest and tightened your grip whenever I moved a little. You stroked my hair as I regained my breath and let me know that you were there and will always be there to protect me.

I’m slowly going back to how I used to be.”

“I don’t want you to fall apart.

At the rate I’m going, I think I might.”

“I won’t let you.

If for some reason you leave me..”

“I’m going to stay with you. I’m never going to leave you. Okay, Say okay.

Okay.”

I know that if I stay here longer than another year or so then I’ll lose my mind. I need to spread my wings and experience new things in my life rather than being in an eternal standstill. My social life and everything else that isn’t related to school has diminished, slowed down. I have my friends from high school and such, but we’re all on different schedules now and we don’t make much of an effort to try to communicate. I need close confidants again that I feel like I can talk to or see anytime. Of course I have my darling boy who I can trust with everything, but I need friend time as well, especially girl time, which I really don’t have anymore and it saddens me.

I miss my best friend and the youthful, ridiculous life we had that we could share with each other the whole way through. I miss how we could spend days doing nothing but sitting in each others’ rooms talking about our problems, our futures, our thoughts. The way we related in almost every way and no one could say a sentence without our names being said in pair. The way there was never a boring or awkward moment; how even our silences were sacred. But, things are different now. We’ve both been through experiences this past year that have changed our perspectives on so many things. We can still talk for long periods of time, but it feels more forced. We don’t connect on the same level anymore. It feels like I have to really think about what to say sometimes, like there is nothing ‘new’ to catch up on, and if we even want to meet up, we have to plan it beforehand rather than simply saying, “let’s hangout today”. It’s hard to talk on a deeper note rather than on the surface of what we could say to anyone else. Our lives are ever changing and our words don’t seem to flow so effortlessly as it did when we were younger. Our enthusiasms and passions have changed and I think most of it is because we have both found people that we’ve luckily become so in love with. People that we have both poured our heart and efforts into. We’ve always hoped for each other to find our perfect partners, and regardless of everything else, I’m so happy for that, for you and for me. I’ll always be thankful that we had each other to rely on, confide in, protect, have trust in, and love during the period of our lives where we needed it the most. I’ll always come to your aide if you ask for it, and I know you’d do the same for me. Our friendship has affected the way my teenage years progressed and I’m glad. We had the best friendship one could ever hope for and I’ll never forget that fact. Maybe one day we can return to that golden friendship, but for now I’ll just be grateful to have been so blessed.

The most beautiful sight I’ve seen from my whole life is of your face; the way you look at me in the morning light through tired eyes, and your lips in the shape of that crooked little grin.

I want to run, and laugh, and learn, to be satisfied with every aspect of my life. To be independent, to do what I want, to grow, experience things, make mistakes and learn from them, under my own authority, rather than being stifled by narrow minded people. I want to feel freedom and the possibility of growth at any time of the day.

It seems my only saviour is waiting at the end of this drowsy path.

I had the time of my life with my last half of seniorhood, I went insane making cookies for a boy for valentine’s day, I let loose and danced with friends and strangers, I danced under the stage lights for the last time, I asked a boy to prom, I went on a night swim in the ocean in my underwear, I took film photographs again, I graduated, I acquired real love, I made love, I had a sweet and carefree summer, I moved and everything began changing at a quicker pace, I ran through downtown hand in hand with another, I set off an atomic bomb, I cried and I cried, I felt lost, I gained insight on things I never imagined, I grew accustomed to being an “us” rather than just “me”, I went to amazing concerts, I wished for dorm life, I harbored a naked boy in my closet, I went on little road trips, I came home later than usual and it was all okay, I stressed out over my future, I felt nostalgia, I longed for parts of my old life back, but I’m thanking the heavens for what I have now.

I am summer, and I am winter. I either feel so much and feel everything that it overflows for others to see, or I shut down and feel nothing when things become too much to handle. I either care so much that I have an underlying purpose or meaning for all of my actions, or I care too little that the things I do are meant only for my amusement. When I’m up, I’m floating high above the clouds, impervious to everything negative, but when I’m down, I’m far beneath reality, needing to dig to come back up to level ground. My heart flows with changing tides of happiness and sadness. It is big and welcoming yet vulnerable and fragile.

I’m always in a cage, locked in by rules and limitations of both physical and moral type, but I’m at my worst when I can feel it, when I really feel like a bird with it’s wings unfeathered. A bird with so many places to go and things to do, possibilities of a life lived whole, yet always restrained to certain places and times, having to report back to the household. It depresses me more with the fact that I’ve been having these feelings for years and will have them for more years to come. My hatred towards certain aspects of my life isn’t burning hot, for I’ve learned to bear with it, and gotten used to it; the intervals of sadness. I just need to do more things for myself, but its hard when I have to depend on others to even be able to try to do that, which is contradictive in and of itself. I don’t know, everything is complicated. I just want to be free.

In a room full of people and noise, my mouth is talking and laughing along, but I find myself wandering to thoughts of you and the way you feel beside me; the absence of your warmth being ever present. I never thought it was possible to feel this way, to really feel it. I didn’t understand how people could be so attached to each other in this certain way, and for so long. I’ve always thought that there’s no possible way of me having a long time romance, commitment. It hasn’t been too long yet, but you have been gifted to my life and I have a chance. I love you deeper than anything, anyone I’ve ever loved before, with the best part being you loving me back in the same way.

This scene played out in my head over and over before you arrived to make sure I had planned it out perfectly. I wanted to give you a final present, to make you feel lush, by surprising you and ravishing your body with pleasure in the same you’ve done for me. I teased you for a while but once I unraveled my true intentions, wildfire spread within your eyes before I even made a move towards you. You reached out for me, but I didn’t let you touch me. I wanted to be the one caressing your body with my hands and mouth. Pressing my body up to yours and making you quiver. I inhaled the sight of your body vulnerable in front of me, yearning for me as I have yearned for you when our roles were exchanged. Your legs were shaking for me, your mouth breathed out deep sounds of pleasure; your body called to me in ways that made me want to satisfy you even more. Heat oozed out of every bone, every inch of bare skin on our bodies. I just wanted to make you feel praised, euphoric, and more than sated. I’m delighted to know I did just that.

You played that song and I had the playful urge to share a dance with you. We swayed to that song, slow and delicate, together, entranced by each other’s presence. We created a secret world, where only you and I reside. Caught in the soft vanilla light, our arms, our lips entwined so dearly. Being with you, I felt heaven; loved and safe, and I felt my love for you, so strong I almost cried. You whispered, “You’re mine, and I don’t want that to change.” You felt the same, and my warmth for you grew even more in depth.

Desire crept onto my skin, grabbing hold of my heart, making it race like crazy, and then moving down, deep within my body. You started slow, teasing me, smirking at me, making me squirm beneath your fingertips for so long, an eternity. But then came your skilled and precise, rough fingers. Your persistent tongue, so warm and smooth, and your relentless, wanting hands all over. I melted under your prevailing hold. Forgetting everything but your hands and your mouth, sensation and pleasure. Making my body feel so much, overwhelming it with burning, exquisite fire. You made me climb higher, breathing for you, and writhing under your expert touch, making me reach the apex and feeling so good, in a way that you, and only you could make me feel. Despite my exhaust, you inflamed me once more. I begged for you, pleaded for you. I needed you in every way to satisfy me physically and emotionally. You so willingly gifted me with that delicious, explicit indulgence until we both yelled out, with my legs trembling and my lips numb.

I felt my body being slowly pulled of its energy by an ethereal force. Exhaustion spread over us, encompassing our minds and bodies within it’s warm blanket. You told me to rest my head on your chest, where I found the spot where I could hear your heartbeat best. The sound of your beating heart seemed to radiate within me, making the patterns of my own breath come in sync with yours. I felt comfort in the way I fit above your heart, and the way our skin was so accustomed to each other. I fell asleep wrapped up in you, body and soul.

Making love on a warm summer’s night, falling asleep entwined within eachother’s limbs, and waking up to tender kisses with the morning light radiating behind your precious face.

When I truly love someone, whether it be in a friendship or a romance, I love them with the purest of hearts and purest of intentions. I may not be able to bluntly express it in words, but my actions undoubtedly let them know. Their well being, thoughts, and opinions are so tenderly cared for. If fate calls for it, I’m able to sacrifice what needs to be to have them be happy with their life. My love takes time to foster but once someone has earned it, it is wholehearted and everlasting regardless of time and distance that may separate us sooner or later in our always changing course of life.

I think I could, I think I do, but I’ll wait longer until these simple yet most intricate of words cannot be held back any longer by my ever protective dam, and flow out from my silent soul to my moving lips like a melting stream in the months of spring.

Those words stay ringing from ear to ear like a harmonious choir of angels. “I’m only doing this because it’s you.” Darling, I believe you. Something as simple or as complicated, you’re still here and I thank you for that.